Dogs confess! Exclusive to Courthouse News!

CNS: Tell us about your master.

Titus & Cleo: Our what?

CNS: You know, the man who owns you.

Cleo: WoofTF are you talking about?

CNS: You know — the guy who feeds you twice a day.

Titus: Oh, him! Great guy, love him. Great guy. (They sit and look up with mournful pleading brown eyes, as though they hadn't had a bite to eat since Washington crossed the Delaware.)

CNS: So, which of you are in charge of the house, and of Bob?

Titus: Well, I'd say …

Cleo: Grrrr.

Titus: Cleo, definitely.

CNS: You say that Bob doesn't run his own house? No wife and all?

Titus: Well, you see …

Cleo: Grrr.

CNS: Aside from feeding you and giving you treats, what else does Bob do?

Titus: He scratches my ears! And takes me for walks in the park! And hugs and kisses me! And talks to me! And sings me songs! And sometimes he dances with me!

Cleo: He sits at his goddam desk and scratches something with his paws for eight hours a day, and says bad words at increasing volume for reasons I do not understand. Maybe he should get up from his goddam chair once in a while and take me for a walk.

CNS: So do you love your master?

Cleo: What is this master-slave shit? Did Hegel have dogs?

CNS: Well, I'm not sure if …

Cleo: Then don't throw that dialectical bullshit at me.

CNS: Sir, we are only trying …

Cleo: "We?" You gonna give me orders as though you, singular, was we? The presumptive, pretentious royal We?

CNS: Sir, we were only …

Cleo: "Sir?" I am a lady, and proud of it. Please address me by my proper name: Bitch.

CNS: Umm …

Cleo: What do they call *you *in the bars, late at night, crying in your beer, waiting around for something that ain't never gonna happen, Bob?

CNS: Madam …

Cleo: Bitch …

CNS HR: (Bob: This is the third time I must warn you: Courthousenews.com is a serious and respected news site. It is not a place for you to exercise or exorcise your private demons. We have warned you before, Bob. If you continue in this vein, I must tell you again …)

Cleo: Grrr.

Titus: I'm with the bitch.

CNS HR: Never mind. Sorry I brought it up.

(Cleo and Titus wag their tails.)